A Miniature Zeitgeist of the Self

Boy, I'm really good at not updating this. And when I do, I don't particularly have anything to talk about.

Therefore, rumblings. My own independent zeitgeist of the self.

I graduated college. They sent me my diploma before I could come back for a sixth year.

I have a real, big-person job. 30% of the time.

I'm currently shopping around a screenplay. We'll see if anything happens.

Most of what I have to say comes out on "the Twitter". I don't even think I can formulate complete thoughts longer than 140 characters anymore.

Last time I wrote, I thought my life was on the precipice of change. It was. It still is.

Last night, I had a peculiar dream. I was eating Oreos in my living room. I dipped the cookies in milk. I offered my friend in the room, a Pi Lambda Phi brother, an Oreo. He accepted. However, he double-dipped his cookie, and I got mad at him and woke up.

This is the kind of dream I am like to have. What does it mean? What does it mean?

I was reading The Tiger's Wife by Téa Obreht, but I am an exceptionally slow reader so I had to return it to the library before I could finish. I've placed another hold on it. It's excellent, it really is. I'd buy it but I don't really use money on books.

See you in six months?

I'll Write More When I Have Something Cool To Say

What a month.

Crazy how things can just change on you, ya know?

Not that there's anything I can really report. Time flies by, and I'm just here for the ride.

My resolution this year, as mentioned in the last entry, was "more adventures". I've certainly made that happen. January itself was an adventure.

Just two weeks into the semester, I went to New York City with some people. It was my first time there. We were there to film the world's longest handshake for Guinness Book of World Records in the middle of Times Square, as a charity event, if you will. First and foremost, it was random, but there were plenty of good adventures there that were fun. The city is great. A lot different than anything I've experienced here in the States. I'd describe NYC as a dirty Tokyo. I hope no one finds offense in that.

I don't know, I feel like I should go into more detail about what made the city so great. Maybe the fact that you can do anything and everything there. The buildings are gorgeous. It's always moving.

I've been playing racquetball and working out around five days a week. It's something I haven't really done in the past. That something being "staying physically active". It's what they say, but I do actually feel better about myself since doing it.

Thought I had more to say, but I guess not. I'm at that stage in my life where I don't really know what I'm doing. I have an idea of where I want to go, what I want to do, but things can change rather rapidly. Brownie points for being vague, right? I'll write more when I have something cool to say.

"You're Young Enough to Fail."

So. 2011, here we are. 2011. You sound so futuristic.

Anyway. The reason I'm back here is that I just found a new website called MemoLane, and it made me think of my blogs. Google it. It captures memories from various sites that you have. It is just in beta stage right now, but check it out; once it launches, I have a feeling it will be quite big.

My resolution this year: more adventures. And I'm serious about it. Partially out of necessity, partially out of just... wanting to live life more and piss in the wind, if you will. It comes necessarily due to what will happen when I graduate, when I relocate. It's hard to predict what will come from that. I'm excited and scared at the same time, but I think of a quote that a somewhat random former co-worker pointed out to me: "You're young enough to fail." I think those are the five words that need to be carried with me at all times; not in the forefront of my brain, but somewhere in the back. And when I think about, the quote does have truth, and it is applicable to me. I'm only 22. It's okay to be poor. It's okay to still follow my dreams, even when they're ridiculous It's even okay to do crazy shit. And you know, if I'm out in California for five years and I'm destitute and completely broken, ya know what? I can go back home. I have that safety net. Obviously, that's not something I want to strive for. It's just important to be reminded of the options. What's at stake.

The second part of my resolution. Well, come on. Who doesn't want adventure? The last half of my 2010 was filled to the brim with really awesome and memorable adventures. Philadelphia, the "MarkC" battles, one involving pumpkins, working at Cedar Point. The list goes on, at least for a bit longer. You get the point. The best memories are oftentimes the ones you create. I'm all about creating, and I am better socially in situations involving some kind of weirdness.

Until next time. Hopefully I'll still be in college by the next entry -- I want to write before May.

Philadelphia in So Many Words

So, Philadelphia's a neat place. An old city with some crazy roads. I went there with my roommate and a fraternity brother for a couple days this long weekend. The place is quite rich in historic areas, but really dense in population in others. Would you believe it if I said that people parked in the middle of the street? I apologize for not having any pics to prove it, but seriously. The middle lanes reserved for cars that travel either way were mostly just convenient parking spaces. And there's parallel parking up the wazoo over there. When it comes to driving, Philadelphia has no rules. It's utter chaos. Even not concerning the driving, it's utter chaos. We stayed in a trashy-looking dentist's office building. But the interior was really, really nice. All said, I really like the city; I don't think I would mind living there, if it came down to that.

Of course, the real reason I was there was to catch a screening of my most anticipated film of all time, Black Swan. It comes out in a couple months, but the way I see it, I'm an impatient bastard who likes adventure. And the trip was so worth the eight hours east and the eight hours west. Anyone who knows me knows that Darren Aronofsky is my idol. We were lucky to be have him show up, introduce the film, and give a Q&A session afterward. Of course, I was giddy like a schoolgirl. Fanboy much? I'm not afraid to admit it. Seeing my idol in the same room as I was every bit as cool as I had thought. He's a chill guy.

Oh, right. The film. Black Swan is, for all intents and purposes, a masterpiece. It's up to par with the rest of Darren's work, which I think is all fantastic. Not exactly sure where it stands yet, but I really, really like it. I don't want to spoil anything. But the film feels like a nightmare through and through. It jumps right into things and didn't let my attention waver. At all. The entire cast is fantastic. Natalie Portman, Vincent Cassel, Mila Kunis, Barbara Hershey, and Winona Ryder all give great performances. The cinematography is beautiful, unique, and surprising. Clint Mansell's score works perfectly with Tchaikovsky's Swan Lake music. Edited perfectly. I am a biased source, but I think most people will be surprised to find that they like the film. And I'm going to try to convince as many people to see this as possible. I know that I can't wait to see it again. Releases in Cleveland on December 22nd. You want to know where I'll be that night?

Anyway. I'm rambling a bit. Philadelphia was great, and a lot of fun came in the journey there and back. I like driving, but I was really surprised my '98 Ford Taurus was able to make it there. I was a little uneasy about our chances, what with the steering issues it has currently and has had in the past. But here I am. Alive and happy that I've explored another little piece of the planet. If I could afford more road trips, I would go on more road trips.

Been Awhile.

So, five months, huh?

I do a lot of writing in journals and that usually takes precedence over online blogging, because it's often more real.

Yeah, the summer. Summer was good. It feels so far back though, now. Back in the midst of another semester, as a fifth-year senior. If I could describe summer in one word, I would, but I can't. It was so weird.

Strange being back on campus when most of my original friends from freshman year have moved on. But I guess that's one of the great things about being in a fraternity. You grow close with guys that are younger than you, so I don't have to bask in loneliness all day.

I'm in a campus apartment and I really like the space. Gives me some space to find myself and that helps fight depression.

I'm optimistic about the future. No one knows what their futures hold, so there's no point going forward with negative thoughts.

I will be traveling to Philadelphia on Thursday to catch a screening of Black Swan. I'm hoping Darren Aronofsky will be there. He is my hero. If not, it will still be a really awesome theatrical experience, and I've never been in Philadelphia before. All I know about it is that the sun always shines over there. I've been obsessing over this movie for awhile so it will be nice to see it.

Pressing onward.

Loving Other Human Beings' Faces

Okay, so I was looking through some of my old poetry on my hard drive with files from my first laptop. In the fall of '08 I took a Poetry Workshop class. One of the assignments was to "write a poem inspired by a line of another poem." Well, this one is inspired by a line from one of Franz Wright's poems, called "Walking to Martha's Vineyard." I never turned it in. Thought it was incomplete, couldn't figure out how to finish it back then. So tonight, I changed the comma at the end to a period. And that's that. It's not a beautiful poem, it's more sociopolitical than anything, so here it is:


Loving Other Human Beings’ Faces

“Hi, can I take your order?”
Radio static.
A ‘93 rusted Volvo
On a black and white screen.
A grumble.
Frustration.
Poorly hashed browns
In a greased white bag
From my lazy hands
To four worried fingers,
Stubby balloons
Of blood and bone,
Belonging
To Gary.

His doctor said
No more fast food
To a wall
Of stubborn flesh.

________________

I may be posting new poetry, or older poetry on this blog at later times. There's a lot of ones from my hard drive that I'd forgotten about.

Haphazard Thoughts While Watching Game 6

Okay, so we're about to go into the fourth quarter of the Game 6 of the Eastern Conference semi-finals, and LeBron has had another un-Lebron-like performance tonight. He's been fumbling balls, missing shots, not making plays. I'm very perplexed. Honestly, I'm really worried about this. I don't know whether he's throwing the game, tired, lost in life, or something else.

And the 4th quarter has started, and we're off to a bad start. I have to keep my hopes alive because at this point, they're still down by 11 points. Although they turned it over already.

So frustrating. I may unhook myself from the pleasures of NBA basketball and the triviality of professional sports in general. Emotional investment in Cleveland sports has proven to be quite the bitch.

Now, LeBron can still explode and take this game over with 10:26 left. It's just a matter of him wanting it. And why wouldn't he want it, we're the ones paying him (essentially). I say that as he banks a 3. Thank God. And another one.

OKAY. WE MIGHT BE OKAY.

This is the clutch we could be waiting for. But man, this makes it dramatic. Has he just been toying with us for the past few games to make this series more interesting? Commercial break/timeout for the loss. I need me more GOOD Cavs basketball.

LeBron just looks sad every time I see him on the sidelines. He looks distracted, different. Like he doesn't want to be on the court. Like he belongs somewhere else. It makes me wonder if there's something happening in his personal life that he hasn't talked about?

I never liked Shrek. I will not see that movie coming out on the 21st.

Here we go again. 9:34 left.

Listening to another Doc Rivers huddle. Why is ESPN such a Boston-centric market? They always talk to Boston people, listen to their coach. Probably because of the bigger market. But I'd like to think that general NBA fans like our team more.

Solid defense by the Cavs at the moment. LeBron's on the aggressive; this is good. Pass to Varejao?? Not during this game. Not during an elimination game.

That dribble off of LeBron's foot is precisely what I'm speaking of. He's clearly distracted by something. He's too athletic and too in-tune with the "essence" of the basketball he always carries to make plays like that when there isn't something else fishing in his head. And now look, that's led to five quick points. It's like, this nulls his two quick threes. Gives him only a +1 for that stretch. It's on him. It needs to be on him.

He wasn't toying with us. He simply isn't playing at his calibur. Maybe it's concerning nothing... but I don't think it is.

I know basketball is just a game. These guys are being paid millions of dollars to play a children's game, and we're all living vicariously through their successes and failures.

Great. Now ESPN is reminding us all of our heartbreaks. Granted, I wasn't around or cognizant during most of these, but I definitely respect Cleveland's "storied" losing history.

Now Rasheed Wallace is making ridiculous saves. When did he give another shit about playing hard? LeBron tries another three but lighting hasn't struck there again. Rasheed shoots a three and makes it, of course.

This is all just happening so fast, Boston's now 88-74 lead. Doesn't give me time to process this impending heartbreak, glooming over this city and the inner NBA fans of other teams who strive to actually witness greatness peaking. But Boston is tearing us apart, and probably causing some die-hard Cavs fans on the brink of suicide.

I hate to say it. I really do. I think, officially, it's over. There's 5:50 left. A 14-point deficit. It's a horrible feeling. I'm trying to stay at an even keel, trying to stay hopeful.

But the Clevelander inside me is screaming "hell, bloody, bloody hell!"

We can come back with defense. One or two great stops won't do it, though. Every possession by Boston needs to be a great stop. But this isn't happening.

And why isn't LeBron getting the ball EVERY TIME? He's not playing great, but he's the MVP. Varejao is still getting the touches. Why is he at the foul line right now?

3:50 left.

LeBron needs aggression, aggression, aggression.

23 turnovers? Unacceptable. If we end at 23 turnovers for the game, that could be appropriate because #23 might become the ultimate "turnover" for our city.

I think even the Nets and the Timberwolves could have beaten us in this seven game series.

Finally. 3:27. LeBron is driving again. Too little, too late, in my opinion.

"New York Knicks, New York Knicks." These Celtics fans... I don't know whether they think that hurts LeBron or not?

Anthony Parker hits a 3! But we're still down by 8. And I cringed with LeBron's pass.

Alright LeBron. How's that a foul on Rondo when LeBron doesn't get similar foul treatment? Regardless, we're still "only" down by 9 -- 7 after that dunk.

Where was this ten minutes ago? And these second-chance Celtics rebounds -- those can't happen.

ANother timeout tv break at 1:37. Things look pretty bleak, I have to admit. I still think we're defeated, but one can't fault the power of denial.

The music in this Acura ZDX is taking me away from the game. Diggin' it. Whatever, it's a brief reprieve because this obnoxious guitar-wailing ESPN advertising music just cued.

Moments of truth.

Boston isn't that good. Rondo is overrated. But Garnett is excellent.

..................... another LeBron turnover.

We are done. No more effort. They've given up and this is horrible. All I've got to say is, this is probably the most pathetic showing of sportsmanship and effort that I have ever seen on any contending sports team.

Wow. I have no words to say to describe this. Disgusting would be one of the words I would say.

I gotta turn this tv off. I am in disbelief. This celebratory music is disheartening. And LeBron doesn't even look like he cares. He's kind of the arrogant, spoiled douchebag right now.

Actually, no. I got somethin' else. If LeBron indeed goes to Chicago... it would make sense. Since earlier in the season... he mentioned that next year he would change his number from 23 to number 6. Could this potentially be because he's been eyeing Chicago, and he's given us hints that he would want to go there since the number 23 can't be played in Chicago?

Food for thought. Spoiled, stinkin', rotting food for thought. I still can't believe we lost this series. Whatever.

Rage.